Maybe this is the end...

I don't no if I'll come back anymore.
I can't handle this.
I have to get thing fixed in my life right now.

Goodbye for now, all sweethearts!

<3

Holiday!

I'll be back in a week.
Stay strong all of you!

<33

Dancing<3

Short post. I'm going away on dancing in 30 minutes, so I'm in a hurry.
Anyways, things are going pretty fine. My goal this week was to be down 1 kg from Monday to Sunday, but actually I think it'll be 2 kg.
Monday morning: 59 kg
Tuesday morning: 58,5 kg
Tuesday evening: 58 kg
Wednesday morning: 57,6 kg
And just now: 57,2 kg

Today I think that at the end of the day my intake will be around 1200 kcal. So the rest of the weekend I have to be careful. I'll do my best.
I'm going away this Sunday, and won't be back before the next Sunday.
I know I'll probably gain when I'm on holiday. I mean, it's really not easy NOT to gain when you are eating out on restaurants every night. But of course, I'll do my best.

My goal for the Autumn leave was actually 51 kg. And if I gain to 58 kg or something during this trip, I have 4 weeks to loose 7 kg. That'll be hard. Do' know if I can do that, but it's okay as long as I keep losing.

Well, I have to go then.
I'll write more tonight or tomorrow.

Love yah <33

Marca

Second day at school

School is still a rescue from food. Love school at the moment<3

Had 1000 kcal today. Know I shouldn't have had so much, but then I'll see tomorrow what it does to my weight. I mean, if you lived on a 1000 calories the rest of you're life, you how to get skinny sometime, right? Since 1000 calories is the half of what a woman really need. It will take longer time, though.

Of course I won't do that. Tomorrow I'm gonna stay under 500. I'm gonna be quite busy tomorrow, so that'll be easy.

We have gym at school tomorrow. I really don't like gym cause I'm so bad at it. I'm always messing thing up. Of course, gym is exercising, but still. Dancing is the best!

K and I are going on shopping on Thursday. I'll do my very best. And K is a healthy person, so I guess if we buy food at least it will be healthy.

On Friday I'm going to a birthday party. That means alcohol. But I'll eat as little as possible before the party. And I know we'll not eat dinner, just snacks, which are pretty easy to avoid. And I wan't be drinking that much, so... It'll be fun.

Stay strong everybody. And thanks for the comments<3 I know I'm not good at all to comment on everyones blogs, but I'm one of those who never know what to write. Bad excuse, I know.

xoxo for now,
Marca

PS: I lost 1 lbs from yesterday!

Schoolstart

Yep, school started today. Funny! Ehh, wtf?!?
But I do like it actually. It's easier not to eat at school. Of course, friends becomes a problem sometimes, but they are used to me eating little, so it goes pretty well.
The only bad thing about it is that my stomach always (and then I mean ALWAYS) makes so much noise. And when everybody hear my stomach, they have hard to believe it sometimes when I say I'm not hungry. Hmmm...
Any tips what to do about a screaming stomach?!

I also started as a dancing teacher today. Two hours three times a week.
And soon my own dancing will start again. One hour two times a week.
Yes, you read right. I'm gonna be busy.
Which is a great thing, cause then my mother can't make me it so much.
And I love dancing, so this shall be fun.

I have had 400 calories today. Pretty good. Don't know my weight though since my mother was on the bathroom so much this morning. But I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow, if I get the chance that is.
I don't know how many calories I'll have tomorrow. My friend K and I are maybe going out on shopping, but I don't know yet. If we do, it'll be pretty hard not to eat so much, but I'll do my best of course.

Anyways, my goal this week is to just lose as much as possible. I'm going away to Africa on Sunday remember. I'll be gone a week then. So I have to do my very best this week.
I know I can do it.

Hope everyone are doing fine <3

xoxo,
Marca

Like hell...

I'm back.
But things didn't go very well at camping.
Eating like a pig.
Looking like a overweight cow.
On Sunday my stomach felt really flat. And I was happy.
The reason was that I drank saturday night.
I was pretty drunk. I even trow up. And I never trow up.
And the next morning my stomach felt flat, and I felt sooo good.
Until we ate. I ate to much at dinner that night.
And to much the next day.
And the next day.
And the next.
And next.
And so it went on.
I was exercising some too. Just not enough.
And tomorrow I'm gonna weigh myself. But I don't think I'll tell you my weight.
I know the weight will be pretty bad. Very very bad.
And I know that I have to do my best this weekend. Even though it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. And some people are coming over. And there will be food and cakes. Blah...
I'll write tomorrow.
It's so good to be back.
I've missed you all so much!
And thanks for all the lovely comments <3

xoxo,
Marca

Please, don't forget me...

I'll be back in a week!
Camping, yes. No, not funny.
Take a deep breath, Marca. You'll be fine. You can take your best friend with you. Ana will come with you. Stay calm. Yes, like that. Good girl!

I have to survive this week. And I have to be a really good girl this week. The weight today was disappointening. Ana was not pleased. Marca was not pleased.
Marca look at herself in the mirror and see a big cow. A fat stomach, which kind of grows over her jeans. Big, fatty arms and even bigger, fattier tighs, which are all dizzing and ugly and I hate it. I hate it.
Marca hate her big self.
Marca wan't to be skinny. Like her best friend Ana.
Ana is Skinny. Ana is Beautiful. Ana is Perfect.

Ana whisper things to Marca. Whisper that she always will be there to help Marca, cause Ana know that Marca wan't to be skinny. Ana also wan't Marca to be skinny. Cause then people will notice Marca. People will like Marca. Then Marca's friends don't have to be ashamed of Marca anymore. Marca can't wait till she's skinny.

Marca's best friend S told Marca that she had gained weight. She said she hated it. She said she wanted to lose the weight again, and become like she was. S says she'll be starting a diet. Marca says she know how S feels, and Marca also says that she will join S on her diet.

S will start a healthy diet. Eat healthy food and exercise. Healthy food means at least 1300 kcal every day. Marca know's better. Marca know much better than S how to lose weight. Marca know that it's easier to eat little. Very little. And execise much. Very much. Marca know that if you wan't to be skinny you can't eat 1300 kcal. It doesn't work that way. But Marca can't tell her dieting friend S that. Cause S want's to lose her extra weight and be "Healthy skinny". Marca wanna be skinny. Skinny skinny. Big different. S would be worried about Marca's health if Marca teached S what she does to lose weight.
But it is great to know that S is dieting. It wan't be that difficult for Marca then. For Marca to diet her own way.

Marca have to go know. She have to pack her things. But please, don't forget her. She'll be back. And maybe then she'll be a pound lighter than before she went. Don't know. Have to wait and see.

Love yah all, my beautiful followers, or can I call you my friends. Cause it feel like you are all my friends. An Marca feel that her heart says she love you all, friends <33

Just one more thing; Marca loves her hair today. It looks very pretty. Like angelhair.
Marca wishes her hair to look like that every day!
<3

But you didn't

Remember the time you lent me
your car and I dented it?
I thought you'd kill me.
But you didn't.

Remember the time I forgot to tell you
the dance was formal, and you came in jeans?
I thought you'd hate me.
But you didn't.

Remember the time I'd flirt with other boys
just to make you jealous, and you were?
I thought you'd drop me.
But you didn't.

There were plenty of things you did
to put up with me, to keep me happy,
to love me, and there are so many things I wanted
to tell you when you returned from Vietnam.
But you didn't.

"Merill Glass"
(An American High School pupil)

Life is not easy...

Well, what can I say.
Yesterday was a little good.
Today was a disaster.
My life is so not happy. I am so not happy.
I hate my"ugly"self!
I don't understand,
why do innocent people have to die?
Why can't the destiny hit me.
If someone absolutely have to die,
why can't that "someone" be me?
Life sucks.
That's all I know now.
Marca should never have been born.
She didn't ask for this life.
Maybe she would have wanted her next life.
But not this one.
Not this fucking life.
The world is evil.
Unfair.
False.
Frightening.
Mad.
And sad.
Ohh, so sad.
And I am not in mood now.
I guess you understood that.
Well, what can I say...

This is a short one. Just wanna say to beginner that I would love to get you're msn, but I don't know where you can send it. Hmm, do you have any idea?!? :D
If I change my comments so I can decide weather to public them or not. Then you can send you're msn as a comment.

<3

OMFG!

First of all, I'm sorry for beeing away so long. I have been home all the time, but I didn't deserve to be on here. I've been terrible with the whole eating-thing. My stomach is just so bloated. I look so fat. I hate it. And on Friday I'm going away on camping, and I was supposed to be down to 55 kg by then. There is no way I can do that. Oh, I'm so angry at myself. Most of these days have started good, but then I've eaten something and felt like it's all distroyed. So then I've just continued eating. WTF?!? But....,

It's too late to change on that now. I just have to do my very best the 5 next days. I don't wanna weigh myself tomorrow. I may do it on Tuesday, I dunno. We'll see. It all depends on how I feel. It's like the weight makes up the entire day. If the weight is bad, I just lose all the inspiration, but if the weight is good, I'm good :D Make sense, does it?! Heheh, thought so.

Anyways. I don't have a plan for the next days, but I have to say that I can't let myself go over 500 kcal. 500 will be the absolutely maximum, but I think I'll try to do better than that. I have to.

And, I nearly forgot. I have 29 followers. OMG, that's amazing. Thank you to all of you. You are such a great support to me. I love to read all your comments, they're so lovely<3

I'll see you all tomorrow then and tell you have the day was.
xoxo,
Marca

PS: I was wondering if (vixenchick) could invite me to you're blog. I would love to read it! :D

Why I hate birthdays...

I had this great plan for today, which i saddly fucked up.
Weight this morning was 57 kg, but I felt sooo gros and big. And tomorrow I know I'll weigh 58 or something, cause I ate like a cow today. Birthday, remember?! Oh my...
1 positive thing; I went for a walk and burned 450 calories.

Now I have 11 days to get down to 55 kg. Of course I can do that. On Friday the 7. August I'm going away with my best friend to their camping. I know I will be eating pretty much that week, cause she won't let me eat little. So I'll probably gain some weight back that week. But I'll try to avoid food as best as I can.

I have good plans for the next 11 days, so I have to stick to them.
Tomorrow is gonna be a 200-calorie day. And I'm not gonna eat anything before my mother gets home from work. I'll just have salad, vegetables or soup for dinner.

I'll let you know how it goes.
See yah tomorrow.
<33

...

Down another 100 g today, so it's 57,3 kg then. Not bad because it did feel like I had gained actually. I said I would only have 800 kcal today, but I think I'll say 1000 kcal. Don't know exactly how many I had, but I say 1000 just for sure.

I haven't done much exercise today either since the weather is still pretty bad, and also because of my stomach. My stomach was really angry today, and forced me to go to the bathroom very many times.

I'm going to exercise a little tonight tough. I borrowed a book with different kinds of exercises for the stomach, arms and legs. Can't wait to try them. I also borrowed a "lisening-book" (do' know what it's called) which I'm gonna listen to when I'm training. I'm also planing to run on the place. The "listening-book" was the first of the Lord of the Rings book. I really like Lord of the rings, but haven't had any time to read the book, because I read many other books at the moment.

Anyways, the two next days I'm gonna stay under 500 kcal as I said, and I'm also gonna go for a run/walk both the days. Hope the weather is good, if not I have to exercise in my room. I really need to exercise so I can reach my goal on Sunday. I know I'll reach it, it's just that the weight worries me. I can't think about anything else when I'm going to bed. "Hope I haven't gained, please let me not have gained. If I still see the 57'number it's fine, but I really hope I haven't gained. It's better to be the same, not more. But maybe, I've lost. No, I can't hope for that..." And so on. It's really difficult to sleep when all I can think about is food, weight, calories, fat +++ Since I couldn't sleep yesterday, I wrote down some plans in my diary. I planned all the days and weeks until the Autumn holiday. How many kg I have to lose, how many calories I'll have and so on and so on. It's so annoying to go true the same every night before I fall asleep.

Do anyone have an idea what to think about, or not think about, so I'll easier fall asleep?!

Hope your all okay, and stay strong everyone :D

xoxo,

Marca

M-K thinspo<3

Ohh my, I want legs like her's!

PS: Are everyone on vacation or something, because the comments are so few...?

<33

Another good day!

This morning I weight....., bambarambam; 57,4 kg! Yaay me! Shouldn't be too happy tough, it might change tomorrow. Don't have any feeling for today. Didn't eat that much; around 700 kcal, but I didn't exercise either. Took a few situps and some arm-training, but still it's not much. I wanted to go out for a walk, but it was raining most of the day so I didn't. But me and my mother went to the mall, so I walked a bit there. And I bought more low-calorie cocoa and a 1-kcal drink-thing (do' know what it's called in English :P).

Right now I'm watching the documentary "thin". Have just seen the first part, but I think it is quite good. I have also found sooo many new thinspo-pictures. Most of them is Lindsay Lohan, but that's good cause I really love her. She look so beautiful and thin. And I would die to have a hair like her! I also think that Mary-Kate is a good thinspo. Her legs is like Awesome, and she always has the most cool clothes.

Tomorrow it's my brother's birthday. I know, I said it was on Sunday, but it is tomorrow actually. On Sunday the family and some friends are coming, which mostly means food and cakes. Tomorrow also means food and cakes tough. I don't know what my brother choose for dinner, I'm sure he'll have taco which he loves, but that's okay since it's easy just to eat salad then. I'm also baking a cake. Found the most healthy one of the cakes he like, but I want have much of it. Just a tiny little piece. And I know I'm gonna have a small portion of ice-cream because we bought caramelsauce on the store. But just a really small portion. I've calculated it, and I should manage to stay around 800 kcal if I'm not screwing it up. I have a plan:

- Max 100 kcal before dinner (both my parents are at work, so that shouldn't be difficult)

- Max 100 kcal for dinner (may be less if I only eat salad, but if I have some dressing or something I'm saying 100 just in case)

- Around 600 kcal for ice-cream and cake (as I said I'll only have very small portions)

That is my plan. I have no idea what my weight will be tomorrow. Maybe I've lost, maybe I've gained. I just have to take it. I hope I haven't gained at least, because then I'm so close my goal on Sunday which is 57 kg. But I can do that. I'll just eat very little Friday and Saturday, and Sunday until the people are coming of course. I'm also gonna exercise a bit every day in the weekend. I don't know how much I'll exercise tomorrow, but I will do some (if the weather isn't too bad).

Anyways, my computer is a bit tired now, so that's the reason why my text is hanging together. Argh... I'll write tomorrow and tell how the day went.

Kiss kiss

Marca

Skinny skinny <33

Here I am, once again...

Back again. I haven't felt for writing something until now, but I'm here. The last days have been really up and down. I've felt sooo terrible, and I feel like I have eaten way to much most of the days. Today my weight was 57,9 kg. Was happy when I saw it, since that mean I've lost weight, but after today... I don't know. I really wish I haven't gained anything tomorrow, but I guess I have.

Today's intake: 1000 kcal
Outtake: 480 kcal
SUM: 520 kcal.

Not to bad, but it is bad. I've changed my mind: IT IS REALLY BAD! But, I'm back for full now. And together with some new thinspo. I have found very many Norwegian pro-ana blogs. I actually didn't know that they existed. Well, it's sooo fun to read them, and many of them inspire me very much. So the blogs are keeping me busy from the thoughts about food. Which is great... I just hate that I think about food so much. I hate that I often want to eat some of the nasty calories. It's the same as saying "hello fatness, goodbye beauty!". I don't want fatness. I want beauty, so much.
I feel like I can do it this time. My goal is 57 kg on Sunday. I know I can do that, and if I'm really good to stay away from food and exercise more, I'm sure I can go even lower than 57. The reason I have to be 57 by Sunday is that my brother is celebrating his birthday. Birthday = cakes = calories. I know I will eat cakes and stuff that day, but I shall try to resist. Of course, I can resist if I want, it's just that one of the family's who are coming knew a girl who had anorexia. And they're daugther (who was bestfriend with the girl with anorexia) hate to see that I don't eat. She is really extreme on that, and I understand her since she lost a friendship from anorexia, but I mean come on! Just that I'm drinking water instead of soda doesn't mean that I'm anorexic. The fact that I don't eat meat, just lettuce and vegetables, doesn't mean that I'm anorexic. I don't eat candy, but I'm not anorexic! Hell not...

So once again, my goal for Sunday is 57 kg. Know I can do it. And tomorrow I'm also gonna take some measure of myself. I don't know if I'll post them, but I will write them down so I can compare them later.

I'm of to read more blogs now, but you'll hear from me tomorrow. Stay strong for now, boys and girls! Love yah all<33

Marca

Milk then..

I wanna try the milk-diet, but it's hard when my mother is sooo watcing over me. Argh... Well, I'm gonna give it a try. I read that beginner are trying that diet, and it really work for her, so I hope it'll work for me. I don't know if I can finish it, but I'll try. I just have to be careful. If I can't finish it then I'll just continue to eat as little as possible, but still drink low-fat milk. In the diet I'm gonna eat 1 egg two days, but I'm wondering if I could change that into a low-fat yoghurt. I don't know..., do you, beginner?!

I'll tell you have it goes. Stay strong all XD
<33

PS: I loooove ricecakes<33

Cinema tonight :D

The past few days haven't been that good at all, so I decided not to blog. Both Tuesday and Wednesday I had around 1800 kcal, which I'm not very proud of. Buuuut, I have been exercising both days, so at least that's 1 plus. Today I've had around 1000 kcal I think, and that's still much too much, but again I will pull myself together and try to stay around 500 kcal daily. I know I can do that, cause' 500 are actually not that hard..., I mean, if you eat the right things you can it a hell lot of it.

One other plus is that I'm nearly not eating meat at all. I don't know why I do it, I just do. I guess it's because I stopped eating meat for a few years ago (of course I eat meat sometimes, but very little) because I wanted to be healtiher. And now it's become a habit. My brain is saying "it's in the meat most of the calories are, so stay away from it!". Or maybe it is the little voice called "Ana" who is speaking to me. Suppose so.
(Just have to say that most of the times I eat meat is when I'm at a friends house, cause it's not easy to avoid meat then. I could say I'm a vegetarian, but then I would have to live up to that. And since I'm not vegetarian for real, I don't wanna say it. Nothing is easy, heheh!)

Tonight, just 1 minute over midnight, I'm going to watch Harry Potter with two friends. I can't wait to see it! Since I'll be sitting in the cinemahall in 3 hours I'm bringing a cola zero, some sugarfree pastille and a lollipop with me. I really think that it's better to eat a lollipop than some other stuff. Have know idea how many calories there are in a small lollipop, but I guess it's few. And for some reason I think cola zero is sooo much better than cola light. Have no idea why, it just tast's much better.

Anyways, thanks to beginner for the advice with the "strawberry-milk-drink". I have to try it soon, it sounds sooo delicious! And I have an advice too. I'm a person who simply loves smoothies, and the one I think it's the best is when you just make it from strawberries and bananas. Usually I freeze the fruit cause' then the smoothie will be cold. Just cut a few bananas in tiny slices and put it in a box. Do the same with the strawberries, and put it all in the freezer. Taaaddddaaaa, a cold, fresh and, of course, healthy smoothie!

Tomorrow I'm gonna weigh myself. Ohhh, I really hope I haven't gained after this past few days, but I do' know. I'll tell you tomorrow.
Stay strong, friends <33

xoxo,
Marca

Happy day!

I'm just sooo happy today! I'm feeling better, even tough my jogging trip yesterday ended up as a short walk. The sun is up, the weather is warm and nice..., and I actually don't feel that fat today. I can see my collarbones better, my hipbones and the ribs. Not that I have lost that much weight, but I know I've lost. My cloths are fitting better, and everything is just so good. Yesterday I had 500 kcal total, and I burnt 450 kcal on the walk. Today I've so far had a little over 300 kcal, which was not my plan, but since I'm feeling so great today it's okay. I know I will eat more when S is coming home, but I also know that I wan't go over 2000 kcal. Never ever. And I wan't binge, because I have control now. In an hour I'm going to take the bike and met S at her work, then we are going to the store, and after that we have to take our bikes home again. I think it'll be around one hour of biking, so that'll burn some calories. I'm going to take the bike and met her Wednesday and Thursday too, so I know I'll get exercise.

Anyways, except from that I'm not doing much. Watcing TV, reading a few books, and of course looking at blogs. I love to read blogs. Sometimes I just read true peoples whole blog..., it's sooo inspirational!

Stay strong everybody!
<33

Marca

Cosy cat

Right now I'm home alone in S's house, watching the film "Prefect Body" on my computer (really recommending it) and are listen to my growling stomach. So far I've had 30 kcal today, and I wan't eat anything more before she is coming home. I know I have to eat dinner with her (have know idea what we'll have) because at six O'clock S, her boyfrind and I are going out for a run. 13,5 km. Oh my..., I'll try to run as much as I can, but I know I will be walking pretty much cause' my condition isn't that good XD

Anyways, her cat is attacking me now. He is sooo cosy, so gotta go. If you haven't seen the movie I mentioned, you really should.

Stay strong everyone! And hi to my new followers.

xoxo,
Marca <33

Going away, but not gone...

I have just finished dinner with my family. It wasn't that bad. I had a small piece of salmon-pie and some salad. I think todays intake was around 800 kcal. Not as good as I wanted it to be, but sooo much better than yesterday. I also ran/walked 7,5 km today and after that I went for a small walk (3,2 km), so I burned 640 kcal total. Not bad. And if you wondered why I know exactly how many km i ran, the reason is that I have a pedometer on my phone. That's the only reason I doesn't buy a new one.

Soon, my mother will drive me to my best friend. And I shall stay there until Thursday. I don't care what my mother mean. I don't understand why she absolutelly wan't me to come home earlier when I'm home all the time. We are not going on vacation before the last week in August and I don't have a job, so I'm staying home every day. Boooring. But hey, I can exercise a lot...., when I'm not lazy.

Anyways, I have to blog when my friend is at work, so I have to do it before 15.00. But, I don't have anything else to do, so that should be okay. Ohh, I love to blog sooo much! My plan this week, when I'm not home, is to eat as little as possible when S is at work (I call my friend "S" because it's much easier then). And since I have to eat dinner with her, I'll just eat as little as possible. But that won't be hard. And she is a person who don't eat much candy or cakes and things like that, which is perfectelly fine with me. And, she loooves to exercise! Yeah :D

Don't know what more to write now, so I thing I'll just end it here. Thanks again for all the lovely comments. I'm sooo glad I have you guys. You are so supporting! <33

Marca

Mothers are such a plague

I am back today, even tough my day wasn't good. It started good..., and I ruined it again. Well, I didn't ruin it that much, but my mother forced me to eat dinner. Taco. I fucking hate taco. Or, it isn't that bad since I just eat the salad, but I'm sooo sick of it. My brother and sister always (and when I say always, I mean always) wan't taco on Fridays. And on Saturdays my mother always wan't pizza. Of course, homemade pizza is better than the one you get in the store (we don't ever buy pizza in the store), and if she force me to eat pizza I usually make a vegetarian one. Anyways, as I said; I'm SICK of taco, and I'm SICK of pizza. Why can't my fucking mother just leave me alone and let me eat my low-calori soups or vegetables?! I really hate her. Or, I doesn't hate her, not all the time. But I doesn't feel like she is my mother either. I don't think I love her. No, I'm pretty sure I don't. And I absolutely don't love my father. Him I can say I hate pretty much all the time. I feel that I love my friends much more than I love my family. Does that make me a very bad person, when I say I don't love my family?!? Well, I don't care.

Tomorrow it's Saturday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Or, one of my friends asked me if we could do something together tomorrow, tough she hadn't asked her parents yet. So I hope it is okay for her parents. If she invites me over, I'm saved. Or, I know I have to eat at her place, but that's better than staying home the whole day being watched by my mother. I'll try not to eat anything before I visit her, if I do. Really hope she sends me a message!

The last couple of nights I've been staying up really late so then I sleep very long. It's sooo much easier to avoid food when I sleep longer. I read some place that Lindsay Lohan stayed up half the night and slept during half the day to avoid meals. Pretty smart?! Does anyone know if she was exercising when she lost all that weight, or was it just because she wasn't eating?!

I'm gonna watch a movie right now, so I'll write more tomorrow.

Think thin! :D

xoxo,
Marca

PS: I'm not very good at posting thinspo pictures, so I'm gonna pull myself together on that!

Shit!

I just fucked up my whole day. Was doing very good, but now... Can't write anymore, I'm too angry at myself.

I fucking HATE myself at the moment!

Maybe if tomorrow goes better, I'll write...

Love yah all <3

I want the sun back...

Well, today was finally Wednesday. Since my weekend was really bad, I thought I had gained pretty much. I thought the scale would show me 130 lbs or even more. It showed me 127,8 lbs! Haven't gained and I'm really happy for that, but still I feel sooo fat. I hate my body, and especially my legs. I hate them. Really hate them.

Had much more calories than I should today, and I'm so disappointed over myself. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to have only 200 kcal. Do' know if that'll work, but if I just have some cucumber for breakfast, water for lunch and mashed potatoes for dinner, that will not be over 200 kcal. The mashed potatoes have very little calories, only 70 or 90 per serving. Love mashed potatoes.

Yesterday I wrote about chewing and spiting, and even tough it's a bit disgusting, it's totally worth it. I mean, it's nearly calori free. Just be really careful not to swallow. I did it yesterday, and I really feel that I fool my stomach to believe it's full. Smart! I'm gonna do that often when I'm home alone. If I feel hungry or feel that I'm gonna binge, I'll just find something and "chew and spit". Awesome!

My friend and I went for a run today morning, and when we was half way true it started raining sooo much. So we walked the rest of it, but hey, walking also burn calories. I love too walk! And it's much easier to talk when you walk, so we was just talking about everything. Haven't seen her for a while, so I'm really glad we hanged out, even tough I ate more than I would have done if she hadn't visited me. But she was hungry and I don't think she would have eaten without me, so I just had a crispbread with low-fat cheese and cucumber. I really love crispbread, and I've found some really good one which is only 30 calories per serving. They are so good that I just eat them as they are. Only 30 calories. Jam!

I have know idea how tomorrow's gonna be like. I only know what I'll eat. I think I have to see the movies I borrowed at the library last week. I'm a bit slow...

I hope you all had a better day than mine!

I will be 108 the first schoolday after the summer. I WILL!

xoxo for now,
Marca

Carrots <3

Today wasn't that good. I didn't binge, but I didn't follow my diet precise either. I think I'm gonna manage to stick to it, but even tough my mother let me eat carrots for dinner, she want let me everyday. So, I figured out that it's okay to eat what my family eats some of the days (of course just the healthy stuff), but most of the days I'm gonna stick to carrots or lettuce and cucumber (I'll add cucumber to my diet, because that's really negative calories).

What I usually do when I eat carrots to dinner is that I boil them. When they're boiled I just take them over in a bowl and I mash them with this machine. Then I eat it with the spice I want. I love it<3 Jammy!

So, since I ate dinner with my family today I had a baked potato. I just ate it with spice and a little bit of cheese, so I'll say 300 kcal since I didn't finish it. The total for today are around 800 calories, I think. That's not too good, but I'll do better tomorrow! I also wanted to go for a run today, but lazy me dropped it. The first thing I'm gonna do tomorrow morning is go for a run. It's actually very lovely once you get started. The problem is just that..., to get started.

I've read that some of the girls in here are doing a thing the call "chew and spit". I think that's both disgusting and smart. Then you can eat and taste whatever you want to have, just without all the calories. Awesome! I just wondered how many calories you have to count if you do that, because I'm sure you'll get something down in your tummy, even do you spit it out. Do anyone know or have a meaning about that?!?

You'll see I'm using Kristen Stewart as a thinspo today. I really like Kristen. She is so slim and beautiful. Wish I had her legs! She's also a very good actress. I like her movies "Panic room" and "Twilight".


So, stay strong everybody! <3

xoxo, Marca

PS: My 300 sit-ups each day are going well. Just wonder if 300 is enough?!

Good day again

Finally, I can say that today was a good day. In fact, a very good day. I took a long run in the morning together with my brother, and I also went for a little run this afternoon too. The total was 7,7 miles! That's not bad. Wish I could do that every day, but I probably shouldn't. I'm afraid I would hurt my legs or something so that I couldn't run at all. Do' know, but I'm gonna go for a run every day though. Some days a short run, and other days a longer one. I'm also doing 100 situps in the mornings and 200 before I go to bed. I don't know how many I have to take before it'll show, but 300 seems good to me.

How many sit-ups do you normally take in one day?

So, today's intake:
B: 1 strawberry before run and 1 after
L: 2 slices of watermelon
D: 2 carrots and 3 strawberries

I'm also gonna make myself a cup of coffee now (I make it really healthy, so maybe 50 kcal :D ), so I'll say the total is 150 calories. Yes!

Tomorrow I'm gonna go for a run in the morning, and try to eat like today. And on Wednesday I'm gonna step on the scale. I'm a bit frightened about it, cause' I'm sooo afraid I've gained. Hopefully not. I will be happy if it shows 128 lbs, but I wish it shows 125.6 lbs. I know that's too much to ask for, but I just have to wait and see. It's really strange you know. I do wanna weigh myself just once a week so that I can see a bigger difference, but then I also gets really scared of doing it. So I think after this I'm gonna weigh myself when I feel for it.

In a month my friend and I are going on a campingtrip. We are gonna stay there with her parents from Friday to Sunday, and after that it's gonna be just her and me, and sometimes her boyfriend, from Sunday to Friday. On Friday her mother will come and drive us to another friends cabin were we and a few more girls are gonna stay over the weekend. That's over a week without bloging :(
Well, a month should be plenty of time to lose as much weight as possible before that long trip. I know I have to eat then. The first weekend I have to eat pretty normal since her parents are there, but when their gone I'm gonna try to eat as little as possible. My friend, who I'm staying with, know that I have problems with food and stuff, but she doesn't know far from all of it. The last weekend, when we are staying at the cabin should be easier. I'll try to eat as little as possible, because I know we'll drink at least one night.

Well, I'll write more tomorrow then.
Bye bye, my Ana-souls <3

Marca

I'm singing in the rain

It was raining today, dammit. I've been sooo lazy today, but tomorrow i'm gonna start exercising again. If the weather is good I'm gonna go for a run, and if it's still raining I'm gonna dance and do a lot of other exercises at home.

I'm also starting a new diet tomorrow :D So here it is:
- I'll eat carrots, watermelon and strawberries. Maybe a small salad sometimes.
- I'll drink water (at least 1,5 litres every day), coffee and diet soda.
- I'll exercise at least 1 hour every day. And I'm gonna run all the days when the weather allows it.

I know this plan will work. Do' know how long I'm gonna stick to it, and I may change the plan from time to time, but mostly I'm gonna follow the original (which is the one I wrote here). One of my best friends and I made a deal right after christmas, which I'm also gonna stick to. I'll tell my parents etc. that I have a deal if they ask. Well, here it is:

NO: chips, candy, chocolate, cake, ice crean, chocolatemilk, cookies and muffins.
If there is some very special parties or something, it is okay to eat a small piece of cake or something, but only if it is nearly impossible to get away from it!

So that's actually 2 new plans. I'll say max 500 kcal every day, but I don't think that's gonna be when I'm only gonna eat carrots, watermelon and strawberries. If anyone wanna join, that's fine with me. It's also okay if you wanna join, but change a bit on the plan.

Do I lose more weight if I drink more water? Like, do I lose more if I drink 2 litres every day instead of 1?

I'm gonna write tomorrow and tell how it goes. Still (at least) 22 more pounds to go!
Hope your all okay :D

Think thin,
Marca

Tomorrow is always a new chance

Nothing is going very good right now. Today started very good; I went on a trip with my grandparents and wasn't home before 18.00. By then I had just had 265 kcal. The meaning was 500 kcal max. But I failed. And since I failed, I just didn't care. But tomorrow! Oh, yes, tomorrow is a new day. I'm gonna take a Lindsay Lohan the next days; stay up to the middle of the night, then sleep as long as possible. Breakfast skipped - easy. Breakfast is actually the most difficult meal for me, at least in the weekends. We (my family) have always eaten breakfast together in the weekends, but now when it's summer, my mother doesn't care that much about it which is fine with me. Lunch is easy to skip; I usually just have a fruit or a carrot or something. Dinner is not that hard to skip. I only eat salads, soups or vegetables. I haven't eaten meat for sooo long now and that's good, because it is there most of the calories is, if you doesn't count sauce etc.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go for a long walk when I wake up. Of course, I wan't do it if the weather is bad, but lets hope it's good. I simply LOVE to walk. You're alone, you can think true everything or just listen to you're favorite thinspo music. And best; you are burning calories!

I think I'm gonna follow beginners advice and try to just weigh myself once a week. At least not every day. I know I've gained weight, but when I weigh myself on wednesday I wanna see the number 125.6 lbs (57 kg). Hope I can do it!

Now I'm gonna go to the bathroom, make myself ready for bed and then go to bed and try to finish my book. The book is really good. It's about vampires. I'm getting so interested in vampires after I started reading the Twilight saga.

Hope you're all okay, girls :D

Marca

No no no no...

Oh my, Oh my. I have ruined everything. I ate sooo much today. Can't even imagine how many calories it was. I feel so disgusting and fat. FAT FAT FAT! I hate myself. I need my control. I have to hold on my control. I have to do this. I must do this. I CAN do this! Tomorrow I'm gonna run 12 km. That's very long, so I know I'm gonna walk most of it, but anyways...

I hate that I ate so much first yesterday, and then today. Tomorrow I'm gonna have just 500 kcal. And 500 the next. And the next. And the next. That's my new goal; no more than 500 kcal every day the rest of the summer holiday.

On friday all the neighbours, including my family, are having a BBQ. I have to eat as little as possible before it starts, but that should not be a big problem. My moter is working to 17.00 and after that I'm going to my grandparents for a very short visit because they are giving away one of their kittens. So as little as possible until 19.00!

I'm saying it again; I'm sooo thankful for all the lovely comments. You really help me back on track. I'm so glad I have you, guys!

Hunger hurts, but starving works...

Marca

Running, finally....

I'm coming straight from the shower, clean and scented with fragrance, and now I'm finally gonna write. I didn't really believe that I was gonna manage to write a blog, I mean I'm not that interesting, but I really love to write about my boring life. Anyways, like I said I have just taken a shower because I went out running, which was just in time if you ask me. I haven't been running for 2 weeks I think because it has been sooo hot here. It's like beeing in the Mediterranean. It's weird cause it usually isn't that hot at all here, but it is very wonderful. I think I ran around 2, 5 km or something. It's not that long, but hey, it is burning calories! I also walked 4 km earlier in the day, and I walked to the library after that, so I have been exercising quite a lot today.

I watched the film "A secret between friends" today. I simply love that film! I really recommend it. It's about two girls, Lexi and Jen, who becomes best friends, and both of them gets an eating disorder. Lexi have just moved in and begins on the volleyball team at the school. There she meet Jen, who is the best player and a very popular girl. Lexi finds out that Jen are trowing up when she eats. Lexi is also told to lose a few pounds by her trainer, so Jen and Lexi starts dieting together. Soon, Lexi develops anorexia, while Jen develops bulimia. I wan't tell anymore, but if you haven't seen it, you really should.

Jen and Lexi

I found some books about eating disorders in the library, but they wasn't that good, so I only looked through them. I really like libraries because it is so calm and peaceful there. It seem like they have every book in the world in there, and you can find whatever you are looking for. I borrowed 2 movies; "Kautokeino-opprøret" and "Gone with the wind". Haven't seen either of them before, but I hope they are good.

I haven't really lost weight, but I haven't gained either, so that is good. Yesterday I had around 700 kcal, and today I'm not sure, but I have been eating like a cow. Maybe 1700 kcal, not more than 2000. When I got up in the morning I had this good plan for the day, but my mother had brought home some cakes from a party last night, so I had one piece. And another. And even though I haven't really binged, I let myself eat "normal" for today. It's really difficult to eat what other people call normal, cause I feel sooo guilty and disgusting and sad.

Tomorrow I'm gonna run in the morning, right after breakfast. I do' know what I'm gonna eat as breakfast, but I have more benefit of the running if I eat a little bit first. Maybe a low-fat yoghurt (67 kcal)? What would you have eaten in the morning before a jog?!?

Thanks again for all the lovely comments. I am really surprised that I have people that have joined my site. You know, I didn't expect it at all! Thanks, everyone. You really help me on my way to perfection<3

xoxo,

Marca

PS: I don't know why the text are like sitting together. I'm not very good at computer stuff!

128.5 lbs!

After I wrote yesterday, I fucking binged. Oh, why did I do that! I'm sooo disappointed over myself. I was so sure I had gained at least 2 lbs, buuuuut I lost 1,5 lbs?! What the hell is that? How can that possibly happen? I think I had around 1300 kcal total, but I never dreamt of losing. Well, I'm sure I will have gained tomorrow, though. Not that I ate to much today (around 1000 kcal), but that often happen to me; I binge one day and the next day I have lost weight. But then, the day after that, I usually gain weight. Well, that's me.

I haven't done much today, and I haven't been exercising today either (or at least not until know, maybe I'll dance a bit afterwards). I went to the pond today again, and was swimming a bit, so that's good. I wasn't swimming that much though, because I'm not a person who loves to swim. At least not in small ponds were it is grass in the bottom. But I love to swim other places, just not places were it is grass. Not that I'm good at swimming, I really suck at it :P

After the binge yesterday my weight is now 128.5 lbs! I shouldn't be too happy, cause that'll probably not last long. Tomorrow I'm gonna go out for a run, no matter what the weather is like. 20,5 more lbs to go, then. I have to make it before the school begin in August. I'm wondering how much that'll show on my body. I really hope my thighs will be smaller, because I really hate my thighs. Their much to big. I wanna have thighs like Lindsay Lohan! She look just sooo beautiful now after she lost weight. Not that she was fat or anything before, but now....

One more thing I did today was cleaning my room. It's very boring when you know you have to do it, but when you just get started it isn't that bad after all. It's funny to find stuff you had forgotten, and it just feels sooo good when your done. It also burns some calories when you are cleaning, washing etc.

I heard a knew song today which was so lovely;

Niels Brinck with Heaven's close to hell.

Skinny thighs<3

Keep on starving, girlies!

xoxo Marca

Ice cream wtf?!

So today's intake wasn't as good as I wanted it to be:

B: low-fat yoghurt and grapes 100 kcal
L: caprizone and watermelon 100 kcal
D: ice cream 400 kcal (WTF?!)

And I had a coffe and two pieces of chocolate, so the total is around 700 kcal. That's just ok. How many kcals are you normally leting yourself have?

Anyways, I haven't really exercised that much because it's too hot here right now. I can go running in the morning or evening, but today I woke up late and now I'm babysitting my little sister and brother. Anyways, I hope I'll get my fat-ass out tomorrow evening on a running! I have to.

I'm still stuck at 130 lbs. Hope I haven't gained tomorrow because of today's intake. I know I need about so much food I had today because otherwise my metabolism would go right down, but at the same time I feel that I eat way to much. Tomorrow I'll try not to have over 500 kcal.

Oh, I just remembered I got a bit exercise today afterall. My sister and I took our bikes to a pond and went swimming. That's not very much, but at least it's something. I also went to the city with my mother and I bought a cute swimsuit! I hate wearing a bikini or a swimsuit, but I'll use the swimsuit as a thinspiration, and I wan't let myself wear it until I reach 115 lbs. I also have another thinspiration. I'm going on a week-long vacation to North-Africa the last week in August! Oh, I can't wait. I have to reach my goal by then. I have to. I need to. I'll do my very best.

Swimsuit thinspo <3

Stay strong girls! <3

xoxo Marca

Good day

So, today was a good day. It could been better though, but also it could be worse. When I woke up this morning (woke up at ten, but hey, it's holiday!) I had my breakfast before I went down to my room and my dancing mate (I try to eat a little to breakfast every day because of the metabolism). It's actually very fun dancing on a dancing mate, the one you add to your playstation, you know. I burned around 150 kcal and after that I did a few sit-ups +++ After that I took a shower, and the rest of the day I just was lazy. Or nearly. My sister and I went for a walk in the evening, I think it was around 4,5 km. That's not bad.

Today's intake:
B: low-fat yoghurt 67 kcal
L: nectarine and caprizone 137 kcal
D: tomatosoup and salad 200 kcal

And I'll add a bit more, so around 450 kcal?! That's not bad. And I know I burned around 530 kcal.

Anyways, I have some knew rules for the summer:

- No more than 500 - 800 kcal (I'm gonna try staying around 500, but some days it'll be difficult because my mother is home so much)
- Exercise at least 45 min every day
- Try to blog every day

I also try not to weigh myself every day because then I'll see a bigger lose!

Tomorrow I have to run. I couldn't today because my shoes is all new and then I would just get a blister, so I had to walk today. But just walking is actually good training, if you walk fast enough.

Don't know what my weight was today, but maybe I'll weigh myself tomorrow?!

Thanks for commenting on my blog. I didn't think anyone would do that, so thanks guys.

And to beginner: I would love to share my msn with you. How can I send it to you? I tried send it on the email on your blog, but I didn't understand any of it :P I'm not a computer-person.

Think thin, xoxo
Marca

Sun, sun and more sun...

Here I am.., back again. So, the last days haven't been very good because I have slept over at a friends house. I know I could have said no to at least some of the food, but it is difficult since my friend have had an eating disorder. Or at least so she say. I know I should believe her because she is one of my best friends, but it's quite hard sometimes. I know she has lied to me before, and who knows..., she could lie again. Anyways, I love her very much, and we don't see eachother that much, so...

"I hate loving my friends..."

That's a good sentence I think, because it's nearly true. I love my frinds sooo much, but it is very difficult to hide my secret sometimes. The last months I haven't really eaten anything at school, and some of my friends are commenting it. I just say that since I easily gets "problems with my stomach", I prefer not to eat to much at school. It works pretty good, but I think a few of them are a little concerned about me. If I say something to avoid food or say something about my body, shape, weight etc. they always try to convince me I'm not fat. But I know I am, and I know their lying...

But anyways, summer is here now and school doesn't start until the 17 of August. I both like and dislike it. Summer is a new beginning. I wish so badly that I'm gonna reach my goal the 17 of August which is 108 lbs. I'm gonna work so hard cause I want people to notice. I want them to see that I have lost weight. I wanna show them that I actually CAN do something, even do I suck in so many other things. I just want people to notice me...

So, like I said, summer is a good time trying to reach my goals. I don't have a job, and I'm not going on any trip, so I am free to do a lot of exercise.., which I will. I'm gonna run, dance on my dancing mate +++ The last days I haven't been exercising much because it is sooo hot here now. It's like beeing in Africa! But when it's hot like this, I nearly never are hungry. There isn't much which are tempting, except from fruit and vegetables. And that's a big plus. And I'm also sunbathing a lot (I'm always pale like a ghost).

This was a long second contribution, hope I wrote most of it right :P Tomorrow I'm gonna wright about a new plan I have. Just have to think a bit more on it, but I think it will work!

xoxo Marca
<3

Introduction

A new blog for my new life.

(I'm from Norway, so you may see that my English isn't that good, but I'll do my best ;)

I'm not very good at this. Well, my name is "Marca" and I'm a 16 year old girl from Norway, a country far far away. "Marca" isn't my real name, but it's such a lovely name, and my real name is not something to be proud of.

Anyways, this blog is an inspiration to me. A place were I can be myself; say (write) what I will without other people judging me for that. I know I'm fat and I know I need to lose weight. I'm 5'2.5 (160 cm) and 130 lbs (59 kg). Now I'm a low fat cow, but not for long. This summer I wanna lose 22 lbs. I know that's much and I know I'll propably not make it, but I'll do my best. My very best.

All stupid, concerning comments will be deleted. This is my journey towards perfection. I will be thin. I have to be thin.

Love Ana <3

Marca